


Love is when a boat is built from all the eyelashes in the ocean

by Luna_reclipse



Series: I chase your soul to the ends of me and after [1]
Category: Avengers, Thor - Fandom
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-13
Updated: 2012-12-13
Packaged: 2017-11-21 00:46:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/591538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_reclipse/pseuds/Luna_reclipse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Titles from Scary, No Scary</p>
    </blockquote>





	Love is when a boat is built from all the eyelashes in the ocean

**Author's Note:**

> Titles from Scary, No Scary

i. _Neither of us have names, especially you._

Loki is five when he is first brought to Thor. His hair is shiny and soft looking, black on pale skin. Thor catches himself thinking, _this is the most beautiful person I will ever know_.

Odin pushes Loki forward and tells Thor that this is his new brother. Thor is thrilled, he was asking for a brother all last year. He beams his brightest smile, but Loki keeps his eyes trained on the ground. It looks like Loki is trying very hard not to breathe at all. 

When Thor tries to take him upstairs to show him the room that Frigga had prepared with patient hands for another boy who was not her blood, he twists out of Thor’s reach and runs out the door. 

As with everything that runs from him, Thor runs after.

Thor finds him sprawled in the rock garden. Loki had not left the grounds yet, he’d just passed the fountain before he had tripped. When Thor reaches him and holds out his hand to help him, Loki only looks up and then away before dusting off the blood from the scratches on his palm and knees and stands. They go back to the house together.

Loki has this look on his face that suggests he’s trying very hard not to run again and if something disturbs his concentration, he’ll make a break for it. As a result, neither say a thing on the way back to the house.

When they return, no one is at the entrance anymore and Loki picks up his bag and heads upstairs and after Thor shows him which room is his, shuts himself in. Thor brings some of his favorite toys and camps outside Loki’s door until dinner, when both of them are called down.     

Dinner is a quiet affair. The corners of Frigga’s eyes are strained when she looks at Odin, but she still softly smiles at Loki when she asks him if he’d like more potatoes. But Loki doesn’t touch his dinner.

Loki goes upstairs as soon as he can and Thor closely follows him. Loki tries to shut his door when he gets to his room, but Thor squeezes in.

“Do you want to play with me?” Thor asks.

Loki glares at him and goes to sit by the largest window. Thor makes a huge show of playing with his cars in an effort to convince Loki to play with him, but Loki doesn’t stray from the window, until Frigga comes up and tells them to go to bed.

Loki doesn’t say a word.

Not even when Frigga asks Loki if wants to take a bath now or in the morning. He just goes over to his bed and climbs in and turns toward the wall, not stirring when Frigga goes to tuck him in. Thor doesn’t want to leave Loki, some part of his screams out, pain pain pain from the separation, but he goes back to his room with his mother and allows her to tuck him in and gives her a kiss. And when all the lights are off, he goes back to Loki’s room and tries to crawl into his bed.

ii. _Is this your bleeding heart? I asked._

Thor had expected that Loki’s other things would arrive eventually. Not that Loki’s room was under furnished in any way. But he’d been expecting some personal effects to arrive from Loki’s old life, toys, clothes, pictures, but they never came, so Thor began to populate Loki’s room with his things. But Loki doesn’t ever touch any toys. Even when all of Thor’s toys have moved to Loki’s room, he doesn’t touch them.

Whenever Thor doesn’t have to be with the tutor, and sometimes even when he does, he goes to play with Loki. Or rather, Thor plays with his toys and Loki doesn’t make him leave.

Frigga smiles at the boys when she sees them together, and takes Thor aside and praises him for being such a good brother. Thor thinks she’s misunderstood something. Thor isn’t being a good brother. There’s something in Loki that is enthralling, and he doesn’t have a choice. He doesn’t spend time with Loki because he’s his brother, but because he’s _Loki_.  

iii. _Sawing myself in half is how I make choices._

Surprisingly, it is months after Loki comes before Frigga reads him a bedtime story. Thor joins them, but he’d heard all the stories before and is conditioned to fall asleep as soon as they begin. He snaps awake though when he sees Loki lean in toward Frigga, front teeth slightly biting his lower lip. This is the first time Thor has seen Loki express an emotion other than slight dislike. Thor might even call it, _anticipation_.

Frigga had been too busy before, trying to make Loki appear, to everyone around them, as if he’d always been there. She’d been interviewing tutors for when Loki turns six and setting up press releases about their happy family. But Thor could see Frigga recognized Loki’s happiness too, and for that night, she read them stories well into the morning.  

The first time Loki lets him into his bed is when Thor learns how to read _If You Give a Mouse a Cookie_. Thor was struggling aloud to himself, but Loki didn’t mind, he liked how Thor traced the words as he read them. Loki mouthed along and even said some words aloud to Thor. And that is how Loki’s first words since coming to Odin’s house were _if you give a mouse_.

Thor begins to pay more attention to his studies, the ones that concern reading, so that when the tutor is done, he can run to Loki’s room and teach him everything he learned that day. Loki picks everything up with a speed that amazes Thor and makes him resolve to study even harder to keep Loki occupied.

Eventually Loki surpasses Thor; he can now recognize areas where Thor can’t quite remember what the tutor said to him. But Thor is satisfied because in the moments where he’s teaching Loki—even when Loki corrects him—in those moments Loki pays complete attention to Thor and _talks_. Even Frigga can’t get Loki to say more than a few words a day and he never speaks to Odin, but he _talks_ to Thor.

One afternoon, when Thor normally leaves Loki to go see the tutor, Loki tags along. He follows Thor downstairs to the study and sits behind Thor in a large armchair. When the tutor comes in, he looks at Loki, and opens his mouth to ask Loki to leave, but luckily, the tutor remembers in time that the family had gained a new son, and it would be in his benefit to be on both of the boys’ good side.

Loki learns much faster than Thor and Thor finds that he can’t pay attention to anything other than the spark in Loki’s eyes when he learns something new and the slight smirk on his lips when the tutor can’t answer a question Loki poses.

Even though Loki is glowing in his happiness, Thor can’t help but hate that the cause of his happiness is not him. He doesn’t know why.

Ever since Thor first met Loki, he wanted Loki’s company and happiness, above all else. And now—he wants more, he wants to be the _only_ one to make Loki happy, the only one Loki looks at. But for now as well, Thor thinks he can be satisfied with just Loki’s happiness.

But even as he tells himself that, he pulls the tutor aside later and issues a thinly veiled warning.

Later that night, Loki _proves_ that his happiness is Thor’s happiness.

That night, Loki doesn’t just tolerate Thor’s presence in his bed. He even lets Thor hug him to sleep. And upon waking, he does not automatically leave.

But still, the tutor is careful from then on to not encourage Loki too much.

iv. _I am a tree you can’t see._

Thor takes Loki to see his favorite apple orchard on the grounds since Loki had refrained from leaving the house on his own since the very first day, when he tried to run. Thor takes Loki to his favorite ant watching spot, Thor likes to burn the ants with a magnifying glass, but when he shows Loki how cool it is, Loki is instead silently crying.

_They can carry up to fifty times their weight._

Tears run down Loki’s face, but he does nothing to wipe them. Thor is so shocked he promises to never do it again and buries the magnifying glass.

Instead of setting fire to the ants, Thor points to each tree and asks Loki, how old each tree is and Loki answers that he can’t tell exactly without how old without cutting the tree down and counting its rings, rings that betray not only age, but hardships endured and rainfall history. But! Loki continues to estimate each tree’s age by its height and branches. Thor is focused the entire time on how beautiful Loki’s lips look forming each word, like shiny red grapes, juicy and plump. After estimating the age of all the trees, Loki sits down to see if he can identify the mesofauna.

Loki visits the orchard at least twice a week with Thor. And Thor suspects, sometimes by himself.

v. _I’m right here._

Thor is three years older, but Loki is really smart and they share tutors now. At Loki’s first birthday party since coming to the house, they are invited to attend. The tutors teach some of the children at the party as well, and they try to introduce Loki to Tony Stark and Bruce Banner.

Thor had never really liked the two together; the conversations had always gone over his head when Tony and Bruce were both present. Thor much preferred to be with Tony or with Bruce, but not both. Tony had a strange sense of justice and seemed to more easily endure injustice than to stick his neck out to correct it, but he was incredibly loyal. Bruce was unyielding in his moral beliefs, but he was always considerate of others, both had nice traits, but together, everything was overshadowed by science and they found it easy to leave Thor behind in that area. But Loki to some extent hits it off with the two, so Thor tries to hang on and make contributions to the conversation by asking a vague _why_ every now and then.

When Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun arrive, Thor finds himself in company he is much more comfortable with. He tries to introduce Loki to them and they manage to hold his attention for a span of five minutes before Loki goes back to Tony and Bruce.

Thor sees Loki leaving with Tony and Bruce from the corner of his eye. He excuses himself from the three and goes to follow Loki. He almost manages to catch up and means to call out to Loki when he notices where Loki has taken Tony and Bruce. They are in his apple orchard. Thor feels a sting in his heart. Loki is showing Tony and Bruce— kids Loki has known for less than a day— something very precious to Thor, something he’d shown Loki out of love and confidence.

The rest of night, Thor ignores Loki in favor of his other friends who in turn decide to shun Loki. Loki barely seems to notice, and Thor is frustrated, it’s like telling a rock to care. 

Thor takes the three up to Loki’s room and somehow they accidently ruin all of Loki’s new books.

But later, he crawls into bed with Loki—because he just can’t not—Loki tells him _my mother’s dead_ , like it’s suppose to hurt him. Thor can’t find it in himself to feel any sorrow for Loki’s other mother because her death brought Loki to Thor. In penance, Thor prays every night for Loki’s other mother and thanks her for giving Loki to him.

vi. _Every time you blink your eyelashes fall out and quickly grow back._

Tony and Bruce come over every now and then. But lately, Odin tends to scowl at Tony, and mumbles something about how personal decisions shouldn’t have anything to do with a fair competition. Tony always smiles politely back and asks Odin to repeat himself because all the noise from his father’s new construction site was making him deaf. Odin generally scowls harder and tells his secretary to prepare his golf clubs.

Tony brings over all sorts of gadgets when he comes and he and Loki tinker away, on those days Thor knows he won’t be able to catch Loki’s attention so he goes to play outside, or to the boxing room and batters away at the boxing bag. Sometimes, he comes back to Loki’s room and he still has too much energy so he ends up tearing apart a model or two of something from the cosmos.

Loki goes on about how Tony is so good at making sure the right circuits are connected and how it’s hard, even for Loki, to make sure that he doesn’t press too hard or connect the wrong wires because they’re all so close together. And Thor can’t help but wish that all the wires would all fall apart and be sharp and prickly and make Loki’s hands bleed so that Loki’ll never want to work with them again.

Tony goes to school with Bruce, and Loki wants to go too, but Thor is less inclined. With just Tony around, it’s hard for him to keep Loki’s attention, with even more kids, Loki may forget about him. Their parents don’t want Loki to go to school yet; they need more time to make the world see Loki as a true Odinson.

As consolation, Loki and Thor get a slightly larger allowance. Loki saves every penny of his.

Loki and Thor are forced to attend many functions with the family, but people are too polite, if they notice, to ask if Loki had always been there. Loki stands with his back rigidly straight and looks slightly beyond everyone when they speak to him. Despite this, slowly, people stop seeing the anomaly of Loki’s presence and see the strangeness of the little boy’s beauty.

Thor thinks that Tony too, secretly thinks Loki is beautiful. When Tony tells Loki that he’s smart, Thor swears he’s actually saying, your smile feeds the plants and your eyes make my soul feel as light as flower petals in the wind. Thor can’t stand the way they sit close together and talk about things that seem so very—inactive. 

When Thor turns thirteen, he is sent to middle school. Loki bites his lip hard enough to bleed and Frigga asks Odin to send Loki too. They go to a private school. Bruce and Tony are in their grade, and on the first day of school, Loki drags Thor to their table, but Thor sees Fandral and drags Loki the other way. Loki lets go of Thor’s hand.

Thor can’t quite believe it, it had taken him four years to get Loki to let him hold his hands, to hug back when he hugged him, but in a day, Loki had let go of his hand. The cold or the anger makes him clench his fist, and Thor turns away and sits with Fandral and the others.

Later that day, Thor sends Loki home in the car without him, telling the driver to let Loki know he’d gone home already. Then he gets the others together with him and they corner Tony. Thor goes home only when he’s sure that Tony’s hand is broken.  

vii. _I spend all day collecting them._

Tony seems to know nothing about a man’s pride and the need to keep outsiders out of a fight between two parties because he tells Loki what Thor did and now Loki refuses to talk to Thor. He puts down the phone and looks at Thor, tears streaming down his face.

Loki runs to his room after dinner and locks his door. Thor jiggles the doorknob and pounds—knocks—on the door. Thor opens his eyes wide in recognition. Loki is trying to keep Thor out. Thor’s face darkens and his lips pinch. Thor considers just breaking down the door, but he opts instead to run downstairs and ask the housekeeper politely to give him the key to Loki’s room because he’d accidentally locked Loki’s door, and won’t the kind housekeeper please give him the key? She doesn’t seem to buy it, and insists on going upstairs to make sure.

Thor gives up and decides to go back upstairs and wait outside Loki’s door. Thor aches to just break it down, but it wouldn’t benefit him to prove to Loki that he was the barbarian Tony had undoubtedly tried to portray him as.

Thor talks to Loki through the door, and tells him about how Tony had tried to break their relationship by taking away all of Loki’s time, and couldn’t Loki _see_ that it was better this way? They were brothers, they were meant to be together, no one should get in their way.

Loki doesn’t open his door that night, but he comes out the next morning and while his eyes don’t soften, he tells Thor he understands _who it is he belongs to_ , and Thor doesn’t need to make such a display of violence again. He also tells him that Thor can stop destroying Loki’s stuff now. Thor sighs because he knew Loki was smart, but if it could’ve been avoided, he’d much prefer to have been painting Loki’s hair with kisses when he finds out. Much prefer for Loki to be happy when he finds out that since the first day, Loki was Thor’s. But as it is, Loki made the connection on his own, and at least now, Thor won’t have to suffer at school, watching Loki act close with others.

At school, Loki refuses to talk, he does all of his homework and performs perfectly on the tests, but he never answers any of the teacher’s questions verbally. He only opens his mouth to insult Fandral and Thor’s other friends. Loki won’t sit with Thor, but he also doesn’t sit with anyone else so Thor lets him be.

Loki tries to avoid Thor while he’s at home too. Loki adopts a bird and spends all his time between the bird and his studies. Thor goes to see the bird when Loki is out with the ants, he thinks about opening the cage door so the bird can fly away, but when he does, it stays in there, stupidly. Thor raises the cage and means to dash it on the ground, but someone gasps behinds him and Thor turns around.

Loki stands in the doorway with his eyes wide, crying so stoically that Thor thinks Loki’d expected Thor to act this way. The tears running down his face look like sugared water. Thor sets the cage down and walks toward Loki. He wants so badly to know what those tears taste like, Loki holds still as Thor leans in and kisses him, his eyes then his cheeks and then, softly presses lips to lips. Thor finally pulls back to see that tears are still running down Loki’s face. Thor walks away. The next day there is no bird in the cage.

Thor joins Loki when he goes to see the ants and Loki does not stop him. Loki sits beside the ants and sets fire to them with a dirtied magnifying glass.

_They were eating a sparrow’s egg the other day. This sparrow laid its eggs near the roots of this tree, but somehow the ants found its nest. I couldn’t protect the egg. When even its mother failed to find somewhere safe enough, how could I protect the eggs? I— can’t—but I can—_

Thor takes the glass from Loki’s hand and kisses him.  

viii. _You want to sleep on the rocks_

When they reach high school the next year, Thor starts wanting to do things with Loki that he can’t tell anyone, but he holds himself back. He’s successful until junior year, when the company’s 50th year anniversary rolls around and their parents throw a social. That night Thor and his friends hold their own little party in the den and Hogun brings alcohol, Thor forces Loki to come along, telling him that if he comes, Thor will give him enough money to build his own lab, but if he doesn’t, when finals time arrives, Thor’ll do something extremely unfair and ruin his final project.

Loki comes down stairs in a black suit with dark green themes and he looks so beautiful, like the heavens descended—to point where Thor thinks the other guys are staring too. Thor had expected Loki to not drink anything, but when Fandral pours everyone a shot, Loki downs his in one gulp. Later into the night, Loki starts swaying and falls into Fandral’s lap. Instead of jumping off Fandral, Loki sinks into him, and Thor feels like the world is on fire. He can’t see, for the way the world wavers with his anger.  

Thor grabs Loki and drags him upstairs. He locks them in his room, the maids make sure the room stays fresh, but it’s been years since Thor actually stepped foot in his own room for longer than an hour or two. He doesn’t remember when the twin became a king, but he’s glad for the size now as he throws Loki on the bed and climbs up after.

Loki doesn’t make a sound. He just opens his eyes wide and lets the tears fall down. Thor tries to kiss them away but they keep falling down. And yet, Thor can’t find it in himself to forget the look of relaxation and contentment on Loki’s face as he relaxes into Fandral. The thought that Loki could find comfort in anyone but him, makes his blood burn anew and Thor ends up mostly ripping Loki’s suit off. He kisses the red marks on Loki’s wrists, marks from where Thor had held on too tightly as he dragged Loki upstairs. Loki doesn’t close his eyes, doesn’t make a sound, doesn’t move, and just dares Thor on with his eyes. Thor presses kisses to Loki’s neck, whispering apologies and, _I love you_. Thor doesn’t have anything besides spit to smooth the way, but he likes the way Loki’s composure is broken when he slips in the first finger, how he flinches, and the loud intake of breath from Loki as he puts in the second and scissors. Loki tries to pull away when Thor finally pushes in, but Thor just grips Loki’s hips and pulls them closer. Loki lets out shaky sobs and clings.

When Thor finishes, Loki moves to get out of bed, but Thor grabs his wrist and pulls him back and traps him in his arms.

They do this now and then until graduation.   

ix. _My whole life is a ripping sound_

Thor doesn’t want to be apart from Loki so they both apply to the same colleges. And while Loki received slightly more acceptances than Thor, their parents agree that they both should attend Stanford. Loki gives Frigga a small smile and even volunteers to send in their commitment letters himself.

The night before they graduate, Loki gives Thor a kiss and tells him that he loves him. He pulls off their clothing and presses his lips to Thor’s neck and asks him if he could please. Thor swallows and whispers yes. When Loki presses in, Loki cries sugar sweet tears and Thor again can’t help but taste.

Loki doesn’t leave after, he lets Thor pull him into his arms and Thor falls asleep like this.

The next morning, Thor wakes to an empty bed. He searches the house, but no one has seen Loki. Frigga suggests he’d already gone to school, for the ceremony. But Loki doesn’t show up to graduation and they find out later that Loki’d already requested his diploma.

Frigga is worried now, but no one knows where Loki has gone and Odin only spends enough to make sure there was no foul play. It also appears that Thor was the only one enrolled at Stanford.

**Author's Note:**

> Next part in the series, reunion?


End file.
